Of Kolks..

Ancient building, yellow cabs, busses that look like boats from inside, laid back individuals, murderous mobs, horrendous traffic, cheap food in variety, shoppers paradise....that Kolkata for you. You ain't seen it till u've SEEN it!

When I came to kolkata, I was told I would hate it and sure enough I did hate it. But Kolkata for what it is, grows on u. You suddenly realise that its not that bad....is it?? I would have loved this place was i not alone out here. There's something ...something that u just can't pin point. I'd like to call it the soul of the city.

The City : You want your cities clean and green; stick to Delhi. You want your cities, rich and impersonal; go to Bombay. You want them high-tech and full of draught beer; Bangalore's your place. But if you want a city with a soul: come to Kolkata.

The Kolkatan: Kolkata bong's are a more informed lot than anyone. The bus stops have notice boards where newspapers are put up everyday and people actually read them and not steal them. A kolkata bong is proud of his culture, which a lot of communities are not.Each morning, he will read at least two newspapers and develop sharply etched views on the state of the world. Each evening, there will be fresh (ideally, fresh-water or river) fish on his table. His children will be encouraged to learn to dance or sing. His family will appreciate the power of poetry. And for him, religion and culture will be in inextricably bound together.

The Traffic: The one scary thing about kolkata is the traffic.....heres a picture....

And this is usual here. So whenever u get out of ur house u gotta be patient and have time on hand.The taxis are jittery as though they were built without the shock absorbers so be sure that u haven't had a heavy meal when u sit in it lest u want it all to come out. The autos are a league apart. Blaring music!!! Yess....they'll have the best of the music systems in the autos and put it on full blast. Nights make the autos prettier or shud i say weirder. Small blinking lights...red, blue, green, yellow reminding u of Christmas or Diwali. It goes from one side to the other squeezing in between vehicles until there is absolutely no space to pass.The traffic jams last for hours.....they will move but at a snails pace.

The language: The city will make u familiar with bengali to the extent of u starting to atleast understand it....or atleast as my boss says....pretent to understand it. I do not understand anything...yet I speak with the guard at my office as though I am understanding all of wht he blurts out in bengali. and he does it day in and day out without realising it. You will not understand a kolkatans english either...you gotta pay real close attention.

Here's a comical mail that i received which explains a lot.I just had to put it here. (The following content has explicit language and requires parental guidance...)

"The Bonglomeration has risen in the past to fend of attacks from such savage races as the British and the Punjabis, who made the mistake of underestimating the capacity for violence in the Bengali, thanks probably to impressions formed based on Bengalis they personally knew. The following are transcripts of historic conversations.

Conversation 1: circa 1858
Lord Canning: Well, your Majesty, we now have to worry about ruling that bloody country.

Queen Victoria: Indeed, Lord Canning. I have no idea how we are to go about it. First of all, where in bblazes are we going to have a new capital?

LC: Don't worry m'lady. I have the perfect spot. Remember that town Cahl-cah-taa. The one that old Charnock stumbled on. I think it will be just marvellous.

QV: Why that place in particular.

LC: A little bit of research on my part, ma'am. The people who live in that god-forsaken place - Bungawlees I think they're called - are a bunch of spineless wimps. Wouldn't say boo to a goose. They'll give us no trouble at all, so its the safest spot on earth.

QV: How can you be so certain?

LC: I know a few of these Bungawlees myself. There's this chap Bonnerjee who takes shorthand at one of our offices - most subservient goose I ever met. Then there's Bose who practices law. Always gets shouted down by the judge and never says a word. Then there's...

QV: You've made your point, Lord Canning. Cahlcahtaa will be the new capital. I can see us ruling the bloody place for another millenium now.

Conversation 2: circa 1974
Gen. Yahya Khan: OYE! These bloody Bangalees have won! Oh meri maa ki ******. Abhi us Mujib ke bachhe ko dikhata hoon, behen****.

(Mujib answers phone)

Mujib: Hallo. Who eej thees?

YK: Oye, who eej thees ke aulad! Saale, mein tera baap bol raha hoon, madar****. You bloody phool. Just bikaz you er winning leckshun, you think we will allow you bh***********s into Slambad. Teri to...

M: Mishtar General Shaar. Pleej do not shwear like that. I am a bhadralok and I am bhery upshet at hearing shuch languages.

YK: Abbey ****. Abhi tujhe dikhata hoon. You bloody Bangalees will never be aybull to faarm a gvernmant.

M: Thish ij outrageoush. Bhe bhill oppoj thish infrigement on our bashic democratic rightsh. Bhee bhill phight on the shtreetsh. Cholbe naa, cholbe naa... (cut off)

YK: Dekh loonga, madar****.

Aide: Sir, agar woh bagawat shuru karein to mushkil ho sakta hai.

YK: Oh behen****. Woh kya kar lenge? Bahut behen**** Bangalee dekhein hai maine. Tu meri gaari nikal, Shahi Mohalla jaana hai.

"The rest, as they say, is history."

And in case I have given you the impression by the above extract, that Bengali men are as gentle as the Punjabis, you are right.......They are actually a race of well-bred intellectuals interested in art, culture and the finer things of life as mentioned previously. Gentlemen who watch and enjoy football, cricket and... What's that you say? Dravid is a better captain!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? DAD WAS WAYY BETTER....REMOVE CHAAPAIL!! BOKA*****, KH***** CH****, LA****** B***! MAAR SHALA KE! KAALO HAATH BHENGE DAO,etc etc....

P.s. I'm goin homeeee on the 19th....The abode of Punjabi brashness... here I come!!