A Deep Dive

I know noone's gonna have the time to read this...hehehe...but this blog is for me!!
Its a very formal way of lookin back at my life...:)
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Introduction

As I stand on the threshold of venturing into a new career, my past flashes across my mind ever so often. People say that you should let go of your past and look forward to see that your future is bright. I often wonder if that’s the right thing. Isn’t our future a function of our past? If it is, how wise would it be to let go of one’s past for future? Life is full of crests and troughs. It’s the experiences that you get in these highs and the lows, which determine your behavior-, present as well as future.

As I look back at my life, I am filled with conflicting emotions: those of joys and those of sorrows; those of achievements and those of failures. And these are emotions that I would never want to give up on. These are the emotions and the experiences that have made me, Tanuj Kapoor as I am today.

I was born in the wee hours on the 23rd of July 1981 in a military Hospital in a small town in MP called Mhow, which is close to Indore. I was the first child to my parents, Ajay and Neeta Kapoor. My father is a defense officer serving in the Indian Army since he past 35 years. My mother is a teacher as well as a homemaker. Both my parents were rather young when I was born to them, my father being 26 and my mother being 24. As such, I was always subject to many ‘experiments’ as my mother puts it. I was a very calm child ever since I was born. I weighed a healthy 4 kgs at the tie of my birth. To say that I was obese would not be an overstatement and I often blame my mother for eating too much when she was carrying. It’s all in good spirit though.

My mother and I share an excellent relationship. She knows when to be a mother and when to be a friend. She and my father have certain inherent qualities, which have in some way or the other been passed on to me as well; integrity, honesty, accountability, hard work, discipline, commitment to name a few.

A quality of mine, which my mother keeps telling me about as a child is that I was an extremely quiet baby. I dint cry or whine a lot except when I was hungry. I guess I could say that it’s true even today. I try and look at things in a positive sense rather than be all cranky about the unfavorable situations. The optimism comes from the strong belief that people are generally good and would not want to harm you unless provoked to.

Shift to Nainital

My dad being in the army, I have had the opportunity of seeing a number of places in India. I was two when we moved out of Mhow to Nainital where we stayed for about 2 years. My earliest memories are from this city where we lived in a locality with about 6-7 houses on a small hilltop. We had a decent climb to our house and I perpetually required to be carried up by someone. Living in such a small locality, brought all the families close together. Its amazing how close people can get when the need be and at other times pretend as strangers. All the people around me were very loving people and it was almost a sort of an extended family for me. In essence I had a huge house as my playground. I used to run from one house to another thinking that all of them are my own and the people there, my own.

It was 1984 when my mother had a baby girl, my sister. I was over protective about her ever since I can remember. I even asked strangers not to touch her whenever they came to our house. Till today I tend to keep a hawk’s eye over her as to what she does.

I was a major foodie. Even as a child, I used to eat a lot. Whereas the mothers of children worry that their children won’t eat what is made for them, with me my mother had to live with the fact that what she had made might fall short. I was a no fuss child, doing things, which were expected out of me most of the times. My mother had boiled an egg for me once. It had a few pieces of the outer shell, which she by mistake did not remove. While I was eating the egg, I never made my dissent felt. It was my grandmother who noticed this and did the needful. She recalls that I told her that it was good because my mother had made it.

Bombay

My dad decided that he wanted to go in for further studies and took a study leave for 2 years. He was to do his Masters in computer science. We moved to Bombay where we had our house in the IIT campus at Powai. I went to Kendriya Vidyalaya there, my first school. I still remember how lost I felt on my first day. I couldn’t mix up with the people there and had my lunch alone sitting in the class. I felt over awed by so many people around me all of a sudden coming from a small place, almost scared. I went home almost in tears and refused to go to the school next day. My mother who is the eternal optimist talked to me and told me to give it another try which I did and thankfully it worked for me. Though I didn’t make any super good friends, however I was happier from then on. Maybe it was the fact that I knew that I had my mother would always be there to lend an ear to me.

Bombay was a major learning experience to me. It taught me a lot of things. I first came to know what stage fright was in Bombay. It was a fancy dress competition where I was to dress up like an Arab and mouth a few lines on the stage. There were people all around me. Faces, which were familiar, yet seemed so different. I could see everything but familiarity as I walked onto that stage. As I looked at the people, I felt a rush of emotions. Tears trickled down my cheeks and realization dawned that I didn’t remember what I wanted to speak. As I stumbled and stuttered I heard people laugh. I rushed down and strangely enough stopped crying then. I am sure my mother wasn’t exactly proud of me then but she did treat me to an ice cream. I guess that was the genesis of my fear of public speaking, which I am still trying to overcome.

I also learnt another major lesson, which has stuck by me ever sense. And that is to always obey and respect my parents. It was a sultry july afternoon and my mother asked me to sleep. But I wanted to go down and watch the people play this cricket match. I sneaked out later and went down. Luckily our servant saw this and followed me. As I was walking on the field, out of the blue, a cricket ball came and hit me right above my eye. I started to bleed profusely through my nose. My servant carried me back up and when I was sitting with an ice pack my mother said something, which I still remember. She said that “ Now you will learn to obey and respect what elders say.” I still do!

We moved back to how in 1987 when I joined the army school in my class 2. Even though we had a rather strict disciplinarian atmosphere at home, the time when I was punished for trying to run away and miss the assembly in class 3 stays with me. Ms. Asha Sharma, our class teacher saw me and my friends try to runoff and held us post the class till such a time that we missed our bus.

Post that incident I had this deep-rooted fear as far as Mrs. Sharma goes. I think she was the first and the only teacher that I was scared of in the true sense of the word.

Mhow is a typical military setup with the majority of the population being from the defense background and only a few civilians. Being so I managed to make quite a number of friends who were like-minded. This was the place that I learnt to swim for the first time. I was in my 2nd standard when I learnt to swim and I felt a big sense of achievement, I still do. I used to come back home and share with everyone as to how many laps I did. Once we friends knew how to swim, the next logical step was to jump off the diving boards. So there we were jumping off merrily. The one-meter board was a piece of cake. 3 meters was a lil difficult especially when you look down but I managed it. The 5-meter was a platform and I was scared to pieces looking down but I managed to jump. The last hurdle was the 10-meter platform. My legs were shaking even as I was climbing to the top. I stood and watched all my friends jump without even wincing one after the other until I was the only one left. I looked down and could see tiny people shouting after the thrill. I couldn’t even hear what they were shouting. I had my head spinning as I looked down. I decided that it was worthless risking my life so I started to walk back when I heard someone shout “Chicken!” followed by a huge roar of laughter. In a rage I ran towards the edge and jumped off! I landed a little awkwardly and was in a bit of pain for a few minutes but the sense of accomplishment far overcame any other feeling. That’s the instant when I realized that I could do almost anything that I put my heart and mind to. I guess that has to be one of the prouder days of my life. I had conquered heights, my biggest fear.

It was in Mhow that we decided to get a pet. Dinky was the cutest looking pom pup to walk on this planet. We got her when she was barely a month old. I was initially apprehensive about her but seeing her for the first time I was sure that this would be it. My sister and me treated her almost like a baby. She was the darling of the family. Her presence taught me the importance of caring.

Days passed and I became more and more comfortable and used to the things around me. One of my good friends out there was Vikram. He and I were neighbors - almost the same age. He had an unfortunate accident had fractured his hand and a huge plaster on for about a month or so. We spent quite a lot of time together then. The time you spend together the better you get to know the other persona and the more chances that you’ll start to know the other person a little too well. That’s the same thing that probably happened. WE started to fight very often. They were always verbal altercations. However, that never affected our friendship. I have never been one to be involved in fights or brawls. I prefer to stay non controversial and can’t recall more than 2-3 instances when I have actually been involved in a physical spat. The first one was about to happen. One afternoon, my mother was coming back from her school, where she taught, to see Vikram trying to hit me with his one working hand and me instead of fighting back trying to avoid him. She intervened and took me home. She recalls telling me that I should have fought back and not acted as meek as I did. I was twice his size in all respects and it would have been a cakewalk for me. I had replied with something that she still can’t forget and relates the incident with pride to almost all. I had said that Vikram was a friend and his one hand was injured and that I didn’t want him to hurt his other one as well. As I spoke I had tears in my eyes. Even today I believe that there is no conflict that can’t be solved by talking it out. Violence always leads to a solution, which is temporary. It’ll be a matter of time when the loser re gathers and attacks again and the circle would continue.

Mhow was the place where I learnt to ride my bicycle too. Once I did, it was almost impossible for people to get me off it. I started to ignore other things for it. One evening, I was getting ready to go out on my bike. I noticed that my father was in the room trying to settle a few things. He brought a book to me and asked what should we do with that book. I didn’t even look at it and said “Throw it!”. It was almost rude that way I spoke. My father got real angry and slapped me for the first time. And the only time I remember. I started bleeding through my nose, which took a while to stop, but while there was hyperactivity going around me, I could only hear my father say “ Papa will never hit you again!” and he almost had tears in his eyes too. I realized something then and will always try to remember it. I promised myself that I’ll never let my parents ever feel sorry for anything.

As I got more and more comfortable with people and situation around me, the inevitable happened again. My father was posted and we had to move to Jammu. A new place again, strangers around me, no friends and there started again a quest for me for social acceptability; yet again.

Jammu

I went to a school that was almost 50 kms away from my home at Jammu. It was one of the best-known schools there. Nagbani taught me a lot of things. It instilled in me the importance of praying regularly. It taught me what responsibility is. It taught me the meaning of commitment and dedication to work. The faculty, the staff and the students were all sources of inspiration. I never felt not cared for out there.

This was at the time of heightened tension in the region. I can remember a lot of incidents when we would be told early in the morning that due to certain disturbances in the city there’s a curfew clamped and that the school would be closed. There was never a sense of fear. Once this happened while we were coming back from school. We had to return to school and stayed till late evening.

For the first time in my life I was in a school, which was full of smart people, and I was just another performer there. From being a rank holder in other schools to an also ran in this one. The adjustment was tough and the first year was really bad for me. I understood that things in life would not come that easy and that needed to put in much more effort. I needed to be committed to whatever I did.

Suratgarh

Things moved on. A year on I was in Suratgarh. A small town once again. There were just 2 schools in the town. Kendriya Vidyalaya, Air Force was a school that I’ll always remember. This is the school where I first saw XYZ (name withheld;)). She was a classmate and I had a major crush on her. Though I never could confess anything to her, I guess I was a little too immature to do that; we were excellent friends all the same. I still remember the initial days when I thought that she was very arrogant and wouldn’t talk to a person like me. She was this beautiful, fair, light eyed beauty that every guy dreams of. Once I got to know her I realized how false the first perceptions could be. She was the sweetest girl, down to earth and extremely easy to talk to.

Suratgarh was the place where I saw cable TV for the first time. I still remember we were all excited at the launch that we had a party and watched TV together at the Army mess as that was the only TV connection around. It now seems like such a small thing but I still remember the excitement and the buzz that was around then. I always believe that it is the small things, which bring the maximum happiness in your day-to-day life. I still remember the smile on everyone’s face as the TV started to play.

I had a wonderful group of friends. Charu, Kiran, Srikant and me were real close friends. We would wake up together, go on walks together, go to school together, play together and even often sleep together. Of all the friends that I’ve left in different places, the three of them are the people I miss the most. This is when I realized what real friends are. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep in touch with them but the memories of the times we spent together will stick to me always. I miss you guys!

I have traveled a lot around this country. Looking back, there are a few regrets that I harbor. I probably don’t have friends who are your best buds since your childhood; however, there are very important lessons that I have learnt which I guess few learn. It has helped me to realize that people are different and that they behave differently at different times and at different places. I recognize these differences. I also learnt to let go. Often this is the most difficult thing to do. People tend to hold on to things that are no longer in their control It is best to let go then. I’ve made friends and I’ve lost friends but biggest strength that I’ve developed over time is the confidence that I will be able to adjust to any situation, place or surroundings that I am made to face.

We moved out of Suratgarh in 1992 to Bathinda. It is this point that I think I took my first steps out of my childhood.


Bathinda

This was the life changing moment for me. I came into bathida as this happy go lucky child and came out a polished person. A lot of life changing incidents took place in the next two years. I joined St. Joseph’s convent where, my mother was a teacher too. I made a few really good friends here as well and started to open up. I stood for the elections for the House Captain for the first time. Even though I didn’t win, the experience was something that I will remember always. I also started to take tuitions for the first time in life.

WE used to live in the cantonment, which was a good 10 kms from the main city where I used to have my tuition classes. The Classes were usually early in the morning around 6 am before school. I used to go on my moped early in the morning usually around 5.30 am. I used to go attend my school post the tuition and then come back home after that. It was a very difficult phase ofd my life but it paid off when I scored decently well in my boards.

Bathinda was also the place where I lost my grandmother. Early one morning when everyone was asleep, she woke me up complaining that she was having trouble breathing. She had a weak heart. My father took her to the hospital and the doctor observed her. It was time for me to leave for my tuitions. This is when I received a call from my father asking me to bring some of the earlier medical reports of my grandmother and drop them off at the hospital before going for my tuitions. I took them to the hospital where I saw her on the bed with an oxygen mask on her. I still remember her looking at me and raising her hand as though blessing me. That’s when I walked out with tears in my eyes. I don’t know why I started to cry but I think it was the realization that I might not see her again. Its was to be true. She left us that very day. I am still sure though that she still looks after me sitting up there in heaven.

Post my exams I decided to go for a vacation with my cousin. We went to the north east and I had to come back alone a little early. The train back was delayed mid way due to an accident and was almost 30 hrs late. I was alone in the second class traveling alone for the first time with nothing with me to eat. Having survived those 30 hours without much problem gave me tremendous amount of confidence.. I was all of 15 then.

Delhi

I had to leave Bathinda as well in a couple of years’ time. We came to Delhi. It was the biggest culture shock of my life. Coming from a small town culture, Delhi was an eye opener for me. I did not see myself fitting in here. I hated myself for coming here.
It was decided that I should take up engineering after class 12 for which I had to start preparation. I gave a few entrances for these coaching institutes but could not clear any. Often you don’t succeed in things that you are not convinced about.

I was scared reading in the newspapers about ragging. I decided to go to a small school hoping that I would not be ragged there. I had a very good set o people around me in school. However, with noone from the opposite sex around, I got a little reserved especially as far as the other sex goes. Today, when I do look back at the way things turned out, I can’t help but feel that it was in fact a wrong decision taken by me. Often my reserved nature was manifested in form of respect for the opposite sex and was socially appreciated. This appreciation reinforced the same and led me to be accidentally left as the guy with the goody goody image, which I have to try hard to live up to.

The 12th class was a roller coaster ride for me. Till the pre board exams I was doing very badly in most of the exams except in English, which I used to usually top in. I even failed in chemistry in my pre boards. One of my cousins, Chetan used t live with us then. When he got to know this he actually sat with me and made me the importance of the boards. I understood it and worked hard to get good results in my exams, which I did and I can’t, thanks Chetan bhaiya enough for his right intervention at the right time.

Having changed so many schools over my 12 years , the one major thing that I have managed to learn is the fact that I can now adjust to any situation I am faced with.

After my class 12 I was confused as to what I wanted to do. I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t get into an engineering college with the kind of preparation I had. I wanted to get into the best of the college. I was clear in my mind that whatever I did as my graduation had to be from a college of repute. This was the worst period of my life with none of the good colleges taking me in and I not wanting to compromise on the same. I then realized that it is often wise to understand your limitations and look at the next best alternative and not let your ego rule you.

Upon the realization that probably engineering was not for me I started to look at other courses and got through Hotel Management at one of the most prestigious college in India, IHM, Pusa. The decision turned out to be an excellent one. It added to my confidence and reinforced my faith that I can survive alone irrespective of how opposite the situation might be. We also had a 6 month training as a part of the course which I did at The Park, New Delhi. These 6 months were very difficult. I had to work at the ground level, often up to 16 hrs a day. It made me understand the dignity of workers and the efforts they put in every day which go unnoticed and that too with a smile on their faces whatever be the situation in their lives at the personal level.

I tend to analyze things and think about what I did, how I did it and why I did it. This often leads to realization of how I could have done it better thus helping me to improve upon the ways I function.

One such analysis led to me to realize that hotels were not the right place for me. This realization dawned during the 6 moths of my training. I realized that the efforts to reward ratio at the hotels were not equitable. I wouldn’t mince words in saying that Money is important for me and hence a mere job satisfaction isn’t enough for me. In fact, in my case satisfaction of my job is also a function of the remuneration I will get.

GECIS

While I was preparing for CAT, I decided to pick up a job. I got into GE capital International Services. It was here that I learnt the importance of honest performance. It is essential that you learn whatever you have to work on to its entirety and with seriousness. I have seen people who are not serious about their work end up languishing at the very bottom of the pack and that’s not a very comfortable place.

GECIS gave me opportunities to rediscover myself. I understood myself better. I realized that I could adjust very well to situations around me. I realized that I was a very politically correct person, a quality that is very essential when you are working. It is also very essential to be seen as someone who is very approachable. People may call it manipulating your behavior, but having worked for almost a year and half, it is essential that it be done to be seen as someone who is a very non controversial. And once you start to behave in this manner, the same starts to get reinforced and you repeat the behavior till it becomes your second nature.

It is also very essential to grab opportunities that come your way even though they might mean doing that little bit extra. It is by means of this that you can prove your worth. I made sure that I did a lot more than what my responsibility was b taking up projects which involved process improvement. I ended up being among the top performer for the process, was awarded the passion for customer award and received the highest performance bonus. These are the proudest achievements of my life. But just the fact that I was able to do all this in my very first job makes me prouder still.

Even today whenever I give a call to people from my workplace, the warmth with which they talk is wonderful. I always end up realizing what a wonderful bunch of people I worked with.

IMT

I gave my exam in December and the interview in February and was almost confident that I would get a call from IMT. Leaving GECIS and joining IMT was one of the toughest decisions that I have had to make in my entire life especially with the fact that I was doing very well at GECIS.

Letting go my job at GECIS was made easier by a lot of my friends whom I talked to supporting me in moving out. I was very apprehensive about getting back to studies and worried if I would be able to do it. I still am amazed how I managed to do this. I have already talked about letting things go in life when they reach a certain point of maturity. This was the point when I actually felt the pinch of letting something go which really mattered to me. However, I did let it go and I am glad that I did.

I joined IMT on the 16th of August in 2004. The initial few days were strange where I started to question my decision of leaving GECIS. I realized that the people around me were all very smart and it wasn’t going to be easy to outperform them. That’s when I adjusted and concentrated on improving myself rather than outperforming. I started using this experience to improve the way I communicate and my general demeanor.

The two months at Torrent Pharmaceuticals taught me a lot too. The stint over there emphasized the fact that you can enjoy as much as you want to but for quality output hard work is extremely essential. My project guide, Mr Ravindra Dhapola was someone who expected us to question. Question and find the answers ourselves. He was always there to help but he instilled in me the quality of questioning and not taking things as they are.

Over the past two years, I see myself a changed person. From being one of the last people to get selected for the summer training to being one of the first people to get a job on the final placement day, I see myself as having come a long way. I was in the placement committee for a period of 6 months and the amount of interaction I had with people during this time was just mind boggling. I often felt like giving up as my studies were taking a back seat. However, the support of my friends helped me carry on. I do give a lot of credit to my perseverance as well but a lot of it goes to the confidence my friends had in me. I’ve made some wonderful friends around here and I can only hope that I do not have to let go of them.

Having said that I believe strongly that whatever happens contributes in teaching me something and helping me become a little better, a process that can never end. Incidents happen in life, it is essential that you isolate them and learn from them. That’s what I have been doing and that’s what I plan to do.